The Human Emotion

In response to my post, "Face Value," I am paraphrasing the words of Dr. Margaret Keiley after hearing her speak on "The Development of Problem Behaviors" and more specifically her words on anger and dealing with it. I think we all could learn from her lecture, and better understand ourselves and our emotions.

First, let's back up and lay some framework. In order to get the full picture, a little background information is needed. Why does attachment exist? Why do we form certain bonds during development and how do they affect our development through the life-span? The attachment theory says attachment is a survival mechanism. Maintaining proximity with a caregiver (a parent) reduces arousal (heightened emotions) and reinstates a sense of security. Attachment provides a secure base. Think separation-anxiety. There are multiple attachment styles that result in specific and predictable behavior:

1) Secure individuals who are able to flexibly manage their emotions and their distance from others in conflictual interactions.
2) Ambivalently or anxiously attached individuals tend to heighten distress with anger and pursue in conflictual interactions. Ladies, think of your last argument with your spouse, and this might sound familiar.
3) Avoidantly attached individuals tend to restrict the communication of anger and withdraw from conflictual interactions. Hence, the male act of running of away when an argument with his spouse is happening.

Recognize and understand these types, and try to relate them to real life situations and people. You will better understand their behavior while also enlightening yourself of your own. Now, let's get to anger. During high arousal, you are in a panic mode and you can't engage your brain to make rational decisions. You go directly into a habitual mode of response without thinking - flight or fight. When an argument escalates, typically your emotions overpower your better judgement; and you either continue to aggress and pursue the argument, or you run away. (History of the male/female argument).

Steps for Affect Regulation (controlling your emotions)
1) Know before you are aroused or upset. Recognize a situation where you are beginning to experience heightened emotions.
2) Stop yourself. Keep your brain engaged and keep thinking. You will be less likely to act irrationally and regret something later.
3) Everything stems from fear. What is your basic fear in this situation? That you will be left and your attachment needs will not be fulfilled? Or that your anger will escalate into violence, and avoiding is best?
4) Empathy. Put yourself in the other person's shoes. Simple, but effective.
5) Risk saying what your vulnerability is. Be honest and admit your fear.

I know this is lengthy, "wordy," and somewhat hard to relate to, but I hope someone besides myself can recognize the usefulness and importance of this lecture. This is the mechanism of everyday life revealed. One can better understand emotions, especially anger, and where our behavior sometimes stems from. In being informed, changes can be made and regrets avoided. Know yourself, your fear, and your anger, and just maybe it will make your life a little easier.